McGILL MAKE IT FOUR IN A ROW!
In 55-7 Victory McGill Take QSSF Title Once Again!
White tape wraps around flexed fingers. Tension precipates onto creased foreheads in the McGill change-room. The QSSF final is minutes away. 17-year old McGill hooker Keelan Chapman sports a Jason Bourne grimace. With great ritual, James Stellick pulls a pro-fit jersey over his herculean pecs. John “Wookie” Lee’s cheeks blossom cherry red as competitive spirit courses through his (alcohol dehygrogenase deficient) veins. Trevor Clarke Kent fills out the pregame paperwork with humble rookie devotion. 8-man Anton Nestle passes a hand through his tornado-tousled hair. Josh Resnik and Sam Skulsky stroke their embryonic Movember mustaches, perplexed by the referee’s pregame speech: “All I can say is, ze ball iz out when ze ball is out.”
The warm up begins. Shoulders punch into tackle pads. Prop Dave Tontini struts back and forth like a made-man. Fans start to trickle into the north stands, their numbers dwarfed by the yawning expanse of Molson Stadium concrete. James Stellick, McGill’s salt of the earth captain loses a solemn coin toss. McGill returns to the locker room for a volcanic pre-game SQUEEZE that erupts out into the stands. The strongest side in McGill’s history pours out onto the synthetic battlefield.
The granitic forearms of flanking paragon Cayse Reuter engulf the opening kick off. A repartee of punts follows. Craig “Texas Holdem” Beemer aka the Unibeemer gazes gravely through his sleek gunmetal sunglasses. Early Bishops advances are frustrated by Reznick box kicks and erratically bouncing Alastair Crow grubbers. Its not long before Skulsky slingshots through the line from inside center, casts away would-be tacklers to an island of shame, and scores the first try of the contest.
Forward Roderick Mackenzie puts his math major to work with a sinusoidal switch that liberates flanker Jon Lee. Jon laughs maniacally to draw in the Bishop’s forwards puts away scrumhalf Josh Reznick. Dave Tontini gets a support pass downfield and is forced to make one of his infamous left-hand passes out to Mike Davis. Fortunately the 6’3” Davis is ropes in the errant pass. A ruck forms and the ball spins out to Alastair “Mr. Perfect” Crow. After receiving the special signal from the McGill back’s coach (an angels in the outfield flapping of the wings), he obediently hangs up a delicately weighted kick. Sam Skulsky lunges on the ball in the endzone like a steer wrestler for his second try.
The fishwives and degenerates that comprise the Bishop’s fan section look straight out of Hogwarts. They are festooned with neon green witch hats, animal costumes, purple capes, broomsticks (not exactly a reference to sorcery). In drunken concert they heckle the McGill players. Special consideration is given to substitute forward Liam O’Brian and his, to put it euphemistically, ‘under-performing’ girlfriend. Puke flies just as readily as taunts as the fans slip into an incoherent fugue of drunken-ness.
Mike Davis gets caught trying to fake a 22. The Redmen find themselves on the defensive until Alastair Crow sends an asteroid clearance kick into touch. On the ensuing set play, Skulsky breaks, draws the fullback and puts away outside center Bryce Thomassin. Local hero Bee-ryce puts on a show for the fans and finishes with an elegant swan dive. Alastair converts to make it Local 17, Visiteur 0.
The first half scoring binge continues. The surgical hands and angles of the backs earn McGill another line-out. Bean-pole rookie sensation Maxwell Gregory peels off the lineout maul and flops in the end zone with an emphatic Mmmm-bop! Sam Skulsky lines up for the conversion, rubbing turf between his fingers like a youthful Maximus Decimus. He bounces the ball in off the posts with a cheeky grin that seems to hint he did it on purpose.
Then Keelan Chapman, the beast from the far East, makes one of the best breaks of the game. With expert deception, he makes a series of wide-eyed dummy passes to Mike Davis threatening on the wing. Like rows of shark teeth, defender after defender bites on Davis. Keelan gives his belly-dancer hips a rest and pops back inside to fullback Evan Straight. With the try line in reach, Straight nonchalantly shrugs off his chance at glory and dishes to Josh Reznick for the score.
It’s 29-0. Like emaciated concentration camp victims, the hopeless Bishops team trudges back to center. After five tries, one gets a sort of deja-deja-deja-deja-deja-vu feeling at the kickoff.
Keelan Chapman, disciplined in the mountain-top monastries of Butan, delivers an ascetic dump tackle that gets him sent to the sin-bin. A man down, the invective from the Bishops fans breathes some life into the Gaiters. Flanker Cayse Reuter tries to stem solid Bishops phase play with a series of bone-rattling tackles. But Bishop manages a respectable try to thwart the shutout.
Winger Kyle Buckley demonstrates his Ent-like strength on the following counter-attack. Bishops players fling themselves at him like hapless orcs but can’t budge him out of bounds. He earns a lineout deep in Bishop’s territory where Max Gregory sneaks in his second try. Alastair converts. Moments later, Buckley and Straight play two-dimensional keep away with the frustrated Bishop’s defenders. They eventually dive for Buckley who puts his Bff through for the try. Again, Al converts.
The players strut over to the change room after a historic first half. Dave Tontini smears blood across his white rugger shorts. A concern physio asks him: “is that your blood?” He replies sombrely: “some of it.”
The second half opens with tragedy. Alastair Crow and Mike Davis collide trying to catch a backfield kick. Crow, out with a probable shoulder injury, is replaced by the rancorous Frenchman Matthieu Sidoti who is quick to exploit the gaps created by the looming threat of Skulsky at 12. The McGill subs circle the sidelines and eye the dehydrated Bishop’s players like hungry vultures. The avuncular prop Jon Minz and backrow forwards Bamber and Graeme Kempthorne add their fresh legs to the McGill phalanx. Reznick puts Roderick through on a Gregan ball that takes McGill to the Bishop’s five. Tontini tumbleweeds at the line but he goes to deck thoughtfully before being held up. He has created a big overlap, and the ball gets out to Skulsky. He scores but the try is called back for an illegal rucking play that results in a 10 minute sin-bin for wing Gideon Balloch.
The female McGill supporters are earnest but a little clueless about the game. Their ecstatic female shrieks are much louder in response to Mike Davis getting his shorts pulled down than throughout the try-scoring jubilee. Even with a man down, the backs attack aggressively. Evan Straight puts a marvellous tap pass out to Davis and creates an opportunity for flanker sub Drew Jarisz to score his first varsity try between the posts. Gideon adds two more points.
Excessive penalties plug up the flow of the second half like excessive adjective use plugs up this game-writeup. But there remains time on the clock for Dave Tontini to give himself a graduation present with the final try of the game. The final score reads 53-7.
In a chiaroscuro of late afternoon sunlight, the McGill players bind arms to receive their medals. Regal necks crane forward to accept gold medals. During the ceremony, Jon Lee, Cayse Ruiter, Mike Davis, Kyle Buckley, Sam Skulsky and Alastair Crow are crowned league all-stars. After the medal presentation, the McGill gladiators turn to the crowd. They stretch their hypertrophic arms into noble Os. Triumph is channelled into an exultant paean that rings out over the ramparts of Molson Stadium and echoes into eternity.
SCORING:
FIRST HALF
1. McGILL: Sam Skulsky (try), 2:00
2. McGILL: Sam Skulsky (try), 10:00
3. McGILL: Evan Straight (try), 19:00
4. McGILL: Alastair Crow (conversion), 19:00
5. McGILL: Maxwell Gregory (try), 21:00
6. McGILL: Sam Skulsky (conversion), 21:00
7. McGILL: Josh Reznick (try), 22:00
8. BISHOP'S: Nicholas Johnson (try), 36:00
9. BISHOP'S: William Murphy (conversion), 36:00
10. McGILL: Maxwell Gregory (try), 39:00
11. McGILL: Alastair Crow (conversion), 39:00
12. McGILL: Bryce Thomassin (try), 40:00
13. McGILL: Alastair Crow (conversion), 40:00
SECOND HALF
14. McGILL: Drew Jarisz (try), 55:00
15. McGILL: Gideon Balloch (conversion), 55:00
16. McGILL: David Tontini (try), 77:00
write up by Adrian Thorogood.
